Goodbye Weeds

Dear weeds that have taken over my garden.  You have been here for a long time. Way too long. Today, I decided to conquer you. I’ve tried to conquer you before but you always overwhelmed me and beat me down. Today, something came over me and I decided enough was enough.

I started ripping you out by the handful. You were everywhere, hiding my beautiful rose bushes. I have neglected my roses for a long time.  I lost one rose bush about a year ago and today I saw that another one had died. Part of that was your fault and part of it was mine. I failed to water and nourish them. I relied on sporadic raid clouds to take care of them. Three of the rose bushes are hanging on for dear life. One of those three has new life breaking through, determined to stay alive. Determined to show it’s beauty.

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I received so much satisfaction as I pulled, tugged, dug and ripped you nasty weeds out from your roots.  I felt better as each handful was shoved into a paper bag which would then be sent to sit on the curb until the yard waste truck took you away forever.

After an hour and a half I stood up and looked at what I had accomplished.  For a split second I wished I’d taken a picture before I started. But then I realized that I didn’t want to remember what it looked like before. I didn’t want to remember how badly you ugly weeds had taken over. How you hid my once blooming rose bushes. I didn’t want to remember the neglect.

I stood back and relished in the glory of my rose bushes being free to thrive again. I didn’t get all of of you, though. There are still some in the background to be tackled another day. This was too big of a job to finish at one time. It is going to take another hour or so to finish. And I know you will be back. But I will not allow you to grow so big. I won’t allow you to take over. I will not allow you to hide the beauty of the roses that bring me so much joy. I will rip you out as you come up and enjoy the satisfaction of not allowing you to take over my garden again.

Yes, there will be times that I slack off.  I always do. But something clicked in me today. When I first walked outside to tackle you hateful weeds, it was to fix the mess that I had allowed. My husband bought me those rose bushes along with a gnome bird bath and gnome fountain. I didn’t take care of his gift and almost ruined it. Although I wanted to fix it to show him I appreciated his thoughtfulness, I decided I needed to fix it for me. After all, he never would have bought them for me if I hadn’t expressed how much I loved my mom’s roses and helping her in her garden when I was younger. I needed to fix it for me.

It’s going to take a little time for the beauty to come through. I need to dig in the dirt some more, spread mulch to help ward off you tenacious weeds and give the rose bushes good nutrition. With care, love and persistence, I know new buds will bloom and light up the world again.

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So goodbye giant mess of weeds. I know you will try to creep back in but I have had enough. This is MY garden and I will no longer allow you to ruin it anymore. I will no longer let you ruin my rose bushes and the incredible joy I feel when a new bud appears. I am going to take a stand against you and relish in the fact that those roses are beautiful and you will never again cause them to be ugly. Today, I am doing something I should have done a long time ago. Today, I am taking back your power.

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How bad do you want it?

The 1st trainer I worked with said this to me during my 1st fitness challenge. I had the chance to win a trip to New York City with tickets to a Broadway show. I’d never been to New York….and 9 years later I still haven’t. I missed winning by 4 pounds. Had I followed his instructions, I’d have had some amazing memories! But I was stubborn and lazy, still am. I’m working to change that. After gaining 20 lbs following a car accident almost 4 years ago I reached my heaviest weight- 153. I know, that’s many women’s goal but for my small frame, that was a lot. After looking back at old pictures that pop up in Facebook memories I see that even 130 is a bit much- which is where I’m at now. I’ve consistently lost 10 lbs a year the last 2 years. I’ve been stuck around 130 for about a year and recently have begun to see the high 20’s flash across the screen on the scale. 
I refuse to give up. Right now, I’m eating less, not eating out, saying no to cookies, Cheetos, soda and even pizza (although I did have ice cream last night). My biggest issue is working out. I procrastinate all day. I have a free gym membership and never go. But that changes today. It’s time to get this last 10 lbs off and finally reach a goal I’ve been after for almost 10 years. My body has been through 5 pregnancies over a 12 year period, I’ve had many injuries, I have life-long injuries from the accident, I’ve dealt with depression and emotional eating. It’s time. I want it. I want it BAD!!

I suck…..BUT I never stop fighting!

I suck.

I suck at blogging. I suck at working out. I suck at eating healthy. I suck at getting challenge prizes out on time. I suck at running fitness challeges.

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BUT, I never give up.  I never stop fighting.

Scroll through my blog titles and you’ll see so many that read, “Day 1.” “Day 1 again.” “Starting over,” “Starting over again,” “Starting over again, again….”

What you’ll never read is, “I give up…and mean it.” I’ve “given up” or “quit” but only in a moment of frustration. I’m sitting on my bed after spending an hour on Facebook drinking a protein smoothie and my first cup of water because the last thing I did on Facebook before I made myself get up was add the new weekly post challenge to our fitness challenge group encouraging them to eat healthy, exercise and drink more water. Yeah, that was a long sentence. I encourage my mom’s every day to do their best but I don’t. How can I expect them to give it their all when I don’t? Because I suck.

It took me two years to lose 25 lbs. TWO YEARS!!!!! Why? Because I’m lazy and unmotivated. Because I suck.  I see pictures labeled “January…….March” and see such a big difference in those women in just three months. I think, “Wow, if I’d gotten off my ass that could be me.” But I don’t. Because I suck.

Today I’m getting up. Today I am finishing my 64 oz of water and eating right. Today I will even finally do Day 2 of Bikini Body Mommy…..while everyone else is on Day 36. I can still catch up. 😉 Today, I don’t wanna suck.

Today I will send out more emails to potential sponsors. Today I will mail out the rest of the prizes with lots of apologies (I’m sooooo thankful to have such understanding fitness moms) (okay, it may be tomorrow). Today I will not suck.

Tomorrow, well, that’s for tomorrow. Tomorrow I might suck. Hell, I might wind up sucking today. It’s only 10:30 and I have a long to-do list. It’s much easier to sit here on my phone. But, today, I don’t wanna suck.

I think of all of the people who can’t get up and do.  But I can. Today, I will do my best not to suck, for them. Today, I don’t wanna suck.

Let’s not suck today!!!!!

What do you suck at? How do you make yourself get up and be not sucky?

Same route, different mindset

About 19 days ago (FYI this should have been posted on Jan 21) I had a breakdown. Someone finally had the guts to stop pacifying me and said, “You’re fat.” No, I’m not obese but at 148 lbs I’m fat for the 115 lbs I used to be (and will be again). I’ve flitted around with working out and losing weight for five years now but never meet my goals.

This was the slap in the face that I needed. Within five minutes of hearing those words I closed my computer, put on my sports bra, t-shirt, workout pants and tennis shoes. I left the house with tears streaming down my face, music blaring with determination to eat healthier, exercise more and finally meet my goals. I set out in the rain wanting to walk the full five miles around my neighborhood.

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I made it to four miles (which I just realized, I thought I’d only done three). By the time I got home I had a new outlook on my life.

Today (Tuesday) I put on those same clothes and shoes, headphones blaring the same songs but this time the sun was shining, I was smiling and there was a proud skip in my steps.

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That was about 2.5 miles in. By mile four I wasn’t quite so smiley. An hour and thirty minutes later I limped up my driveway with my bad hip yelling at me and my previously torn ligament knee on top of my dancer’s arthritic knees protesting and banged on the door.

I was in pain, I was starving, I was exhausted. But dammit, I did it!

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This was supposed to be a Bikini Body Mommy forty-five minute cardio day but I needed to complete that five miles. It was an hour and a half well spent. I’m losing inches, I’m growing stronger and I’m sticking with this challenge.

I AM doing it!!!!!