Not the sweatpants!!!!!

Oh, yeah. I’ve gotten to that point.

I’m very ashamed to admit that I no longer try to stuff Mt. Saint Muffin Top into my jeans. I’ve moved to sweat pants.

Slacker Fattie has reared her ugly head and actually ate Fit Bitch.

Whole.

Washed her down with a big ole soda and followed it with a giant piece of chocolate cake.

I bought some lingerie from Pure Romance and tried it on last night. I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe what I saw. I should have looked closer to the model on the tag instead of a model for a full figured whatever.

That’s not me.

For anyone who hasn’t been following me for very long let me point out that I’m not obese. In a lot of people’s eyes I’m not fat. But as someone who used to weigh 103 lbs, 140+ is very big for me. I don’t know how much I weigh exactly because I threw my scale out over a year ago. I wasn’t comfortable at 128 lbs but at least my jeans fit without a whole lot hanging over. I don’t know how or why I’ve let myself go other than the fact that I’m lazy and deep down just haven’t cared. My goal is 115 lbs. I know I’ll never be 103 lbs again because I’m twenty years older and have had five babies. After baby number four I’d dropped to 110 lbs and friends told me I looked sickly. I just want to be happy and healthy again- and to stop writing whiney, woe-is-me posts.

I need to get back on Adderall because my ADD is more manageable when I’m on it and I exercise more. I feel like I’m to the point of having two choices- 1. Give up or 2. Dive in head first. I’m sure my readers are tired of me sliding backward all the time. I’m coming up on my fourth year of blogging and trying to get fit. I’ve wasted FOUR years!!

There are sixteen days left in the Sexy by New Year’s fitness challenge I’m in. I’ll be honest, I thought it already ended. LOL. I’m giving myself sixteen days. If I get off my ass and make Slacker Fattie cough up Fit Bitch I’ll keep blogging and working out. If I stay lazy shoveling food in my face, I’m done. I haven’t decided if I’m going to blog during the next sixteen days or not. I may just wait and surprise you all.

Who thinks I’m going to keep going and who thinks I’m going to fail? Be honest! I have to say if I were a betting woman I’d bet on Slacker Fattie. But Fit Bitch really likes her jeans!!

Exercising with ADD

I’m in ADD mode this morning for some reason.  I think I’m at that irritated point again where all the “oh look!  Squirrel!” jokes have caught up to me.  People think that because I make fun of myself and my ADD moments that it’s ok for them to make fun of me, too.  If I had anorexia would you make jokes?  What about OCD?  Or Development Disorders?  Didn’t think so.

I love this picture that I found on the ADDitude Facebook page- pretty much sums up what a lot of us go through:

I scrolled through a few more things and found this-

Ooh, good question. Flora asks: “Anyone know of any fun exercise regimens for people with ADHD/ADD? I’d rather not pay for a gym membership, but if I have to, I will.” How are you adult ADHDers making exercise work for you?

Yay!  I’m not the only person with this issue!  Whew!  I had to laugh though because in true ADD fashion the next 30 responses were Dance!  Swimming!  Walking!  Wii and XBox dance games!  Zumba!

But what about the second question?

Then one lone person actually answered that second question (she probably remembered to take her Adderall).

I might have misunderstood this, but it seems you are asking how to make it WORK. I know I personally will get into a regimen really strong for a while, then I slowly start forgetting or making excuses and eventually I stop. I WANT to work out in such a big way. I want to become “ADD-icted” to exercise, but inevitably I drop. So far, my best way of making it work for me is having a workout partner who (1) understands my weaknesses [quitting] and doesn’t let me do it and (2) understands that most of the time we are just together for companionship of presence and I need to escape into my music.
If my friend allows me to make excuses and doesn’t push me, then once again, I’ll be doomed to fail. But her commitment is strong. I think we should try to get more friends because the more people depending on me, the more likely I will be there.
Maybe finding someone to be there would be your beat help.

BINGO!!!  I suddenly understand my relationship with exercising.  How many times have I said on this blog “I WANT to work out!”?  Now I know why it’s so hard for me.  But now comes the problem solving part.  I’ve asked friends to hold me accountable but they eventually forget.  Even Josh quit because I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain.  But what I need is someone to stick with me through my quit times.  Grapes, Gripes and Gratitude has helped a LOT- so much that I’m afraid to give her my phone number because she understands me so well that I know she’ll blow up my phone every day until I send her a video of me working out holding up a newspaper with today’s date in front of CNN with the current time.

All this time I thought I was just a failure.  But here’s another thing- I hate blaming everything on ADD.  I know it’s some medical issue where brain functions, waves, cells, whatever don’t meet up with some big long medical term I’ll never understand or whatever the boring term stuff, blah blah blah.  I just want to be normal.  Ugh, stupid statement.  I need to embrace my ADD even though I don’t wanna!!!!  I will keep trying new things until I find something that works.  I will keep yo yo-ing until I find someone committed to my commitment.  I will now go back to bed and wallow in my misery. Ummm, I mean go paint my son’s room then workout while it dries.  I have so many projects started and I decided two days ago it’s time to get them finished.  With the oldest off to college the other 3 are moving around which is taking way longer than I thought but we’ll save that for another post.

At any rate, today I start over again.  Slacker Fattie might have finally met her match with Fit Bitch- especially since Fit Bitch has figured out why Slacker Fattie has been so bad with working out.  On the plus side, I’m blogging more!!!  🙂

Living With Adult ADD

(I swiped this from my old blog because I felt it was important to share with Real Fit Mom followers)

I always felt that something in my head wasn’t right. Well, there’s a lot in there that isn’t right, but I’ve come to find out some are not my fault.

I was sitting in the doctor’s office with one of my kids (why and which one, I don’t remember) and saw a sign on the wall. It said that if I could answer yes to the questions below, I should talk to my doctor about ADD. I read each of the five questions and answered yes to… all of them. All five? Wow. So when the doctor came in, I asked her about it. Her reply was, “You don’t have ADD. You just have three children. It’s normal.”

Huh. What’s normal about having a short attention span at 31? What’s normal about not remembering why you walked into a room…several times a day? What’s normal about forgetting that you put your kid in timeout? And why you put him/her in there?

I found this checklist while doing research:

Adult ADD Symptom Test:

If you experience more than 10 points on this adult ADD self symptom test, Attention Deficit Disorder is likely present.

  • An internal sense of anxiety – I have this at times but it’s not frequent.
  • Impulsive spending habits – Money slips through my hands and often I don’t remember what I bought.
  • Frequent distractions during sex – I’m going to leave this one alone!
  • Frequently misplace the car keys, your purse or wallet or other day-to-day items – I never know where my keys, phone, and glasses are even though I try hard to put them in the same place every time.
  • Lack of attention to detail – It depends on what it is. When I color, which I love to do, I’m very detailed. On most other things, not so much.
  • Family history of ADD, learning problems, mood disorders or substance abuse problems – One of my biological brothers has ADD and my biological mom and I both have mood disorders.
  • Trouble following the proper channels or chain of commands – This one is very frustrating.
  • An attitude of “read the directions when all else fails” – BIG TIME! If the directions are long or confusing, it seems easier to try it on my own first.
  • Frequent traffic violations – Because I don’t want to waste money, I try hard to drive correctly.
  • Impulsive job changes – This happened when I used to work.
  • Trouble maintaining an organized work and/or home environment – If you could only see my house on a day to day basis, it’s not pretty.
  • Chronically late or always in a hurry – Very true. And this isn’t because I have 4 kids. I try hard to be organized but I find myself forgetting important things we need while we’re out.
  • Frequently overwhelmed by tasks of daily living – Like I said above, you should see my kitchen, laundry pile, and playroom.
  • Poor financial management and frequent late bills – I can’t balance a checkbook to save my life.
  • Procrastination – I’ll get to this one later. Seriously, I will… no, not right now. Later.
  • Spending excessive time at work due to inefficiencies – I find so many things that need to be done that I wind up not getting anything done.
  • Inconsistent work performance – See above.
  • Sense of underachievement – I think my Self Esteem blog says it all.
  • Frequent mood swings – Ask my family about this one. Can we say Lexapro?
  • Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships – I’m 35 and have less than 10 friends.
  • A need to seek high stimulation activities – Which is why exercising gives me a natural high.
  • Tendency toward exaggerated outbursts – Nu uh! Yeah, ask Hubby about this one.
  • Transposing numbers, letters, words – SO frustrating! I speed read, too, which means I often have to go back and reread paragraphs because I missed something. I transpose numbers on a daily basis which is probably part of the reason I can’t balance a checkbook.
  • Tendency toward being argumentative – I am NOT! ‘nuff said.
  • Addictive personality toward food, alcohol, drugs, work and/or gambling – This is probably why I gained 20 pounds in 4 months. And, I like my cocktails thank you very much! I am able to limit myself which is a very good thing.
  • Tendency to worry needlessly and endlessly – This goes above and beyond the normal Mommy worrying.
  • “Thin-skinned”- having quick or exaggerated responses to real or imagined slights – I’ll just say that I’m extremely fortunate to have a patient and understanding husband.

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=238

I know pretty much everyone can relate to one or more of these. However, to relate to each and every one, and to the severity of which I relate, is very frustrating for me. When I was 8 months pregnant with Maisie, I went to counseling. I told my counselor that I tried to convince 2 doctors that I had Adult ADD. After two sessions, she agreed with me. I went to my family doctor and, though he was still very skeptical, he agreed to write me a prescription. The problem with that was I was pregnant. Then, I was nursing. So I was unable to see if the Adderall would help until several months later. I remember my doctor telling me that if I did have ADD, the medicine would work right away. I thought this meant in less than a week, you know, so it would have time to get in my system. So, I took one and then went about my day. Fifteen minutes – yes, minutes not days – I have an urge to clean the entire house in an hour! If that’s not proof I have ADD,
I don’t know what is!

I know that the Adderall would work much better if I would remember to take it twice a day. In fact, I’ve been off of it for a few months and just took one a little while ago. Oh, boy can I feel it kicking in right now! My Sony Ericsson 580i has 5 alarms on it. When I finish this post, I’ll go set two of them to remind me to take the Adderall. Better yet, hang on while I do it right now……………ok, done!

I get the generic version, so I take 10 mg two times a day. Since it’s an amphetamine, I can’t get refills. I have to go to the doctor’s office every month, show my ID, and sign a copy of the Rx. If I lose it on the way to the pharmacy, I’m screwed. I also have to show my ID when I pick it up from the pharmacy. And no, don’t ask me if I’ll sell them to you. They’re big on college campuses especially around exam time as they help you focus. I assured my doctor that I would be taking all of mine.

So, hopefully now that I’m back on Adderall, those things on that list up there will get better. Feel free to ask me every now and then if I remembered to take it and if it is helping.

Today is a new day…..make it count

I decided last night that I would make some changes today.  So far I’m off to a good start.  I tidied up the laundry room, ran the dishwasher, did a tiny bit of work (I’ll do more later), passed up Frosted Rice Krispies and pancakes, drank a protein shake, got some laundry done, getting a short blog post done and getting ready for my Wii Fit to yell at me for gaining more weight.  That’s pretty good for my ADD brain especially being off my Addy.

I promised Hubby last night I would start exercising again….he was telling me fat jokes as a joke but lately he stopped chuckling after.  He just can’t bring himself to tell me what he really thinks even though I’ve told him to.  For some women, they’d kill their husbands if they dared even insinuate they’d gained.  Me?  I’ve gotten mad at him more than once for NOT saying anything.  Call me crazy!

Ok, off to play Wii!

Back to Adderall

I’ve come to the conclusion that taking Adderall is a must for the rest of my life- or until I develop Alzheimer’s and won’t remember to care anymore.

I tried calling in to get my Rx but since I hadn’t hung out with my doctor in 10 months they insisted we make a date. So there I sat listening to my amazing doctor sniffle while his tummy rumbled telling him how bad things had gotten not being in Adderall and how my memory issues had worsened. Unfortunately he pointed out very clearly that my memory issues were not related to ADD. He said, “Neurologist” I said, “Next.” We did decide to try upping my dose. He suggested taking two in the morning and one in the afternoon. I told him I might be better off taking one in the morning and two in the afternoon since all four kids are home, dinner has to be made/cleaned up, baths, and homework all have to be done. Mornings are very quiet with only the four year old at home.

Not only did I have to sign for my Rx, I also had to sign a separate form letting me know of their new policy “…due to the possible risk of addiction, drug interactions, and side effects these medications require careful monitoring by your physician…..must make an appointment every three months so your physician can closely monitor your health and safety….” Why do I take this stuff again?

Oh yeah! Because my life is a mess! Which doc confirmed yesterday as well. He let me know he doesn’t normally prescribe Adderall in adults. If he has an ADD patient with a job that requires lots of projects, details, deadlines, etc he’ll hook him up so he doesn’t get fired. But if he has an ADD patient with a more simple job he tells him to just deal. My life with four kids, trying to get fit, work, baseball, dance lessons, being a maid to 5 is apparently complicated enough to warrant being on Adderall.  My house is cleaner and I work out way more often when on it which doc thought was great!  🙂

Note to SAHM’s who Google ADD and memorize the symptoms in hopes of pulling one over on a doctor so you can get a quick high or appetite suppressant- don’t go to mine. He won’t buy it. Kinda makes me feel honored I’m on his list of amphetamine users!

Haha, as I’m finishing this post my alarm is going off to take my Adderall- only problem is I forgot to pick it up yesterday.

image from http://www.everydayhealth.com/drugs/adderall-for-attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/review

ADD- Ditsy or Debilitating

Looking back to my high school and college years I realize that I appeared to be very ditsy. It seems the older I got the ditsier I appeared and soon became the brunt of blond jokes even though I’m a brunette. It wasn’t until I was eight months pregnant with my last baby that I was finally diagnosed with Adult ADD.  The majority of the time I’m able to laugh at myself when my friends poke fun at me, but there are times that I just sit down and cry- usually in the closet or shower where no one can see or hear me.

What people don’t understand is how debilitating ADD can be. Have you ever put you children in time out and forgotten about them? What about when your husband comes home, the kids tell him they were in time out but when he asks why you can’t remember?   It’s not just little things that most people do.  If you look at ADD symptoms most people do one or two of them.  But when you do all or most of those things it’s down right debilitating. I’ve lost friends because I don’t remember to send them messages on Facebook. I’ve ticked people off by forgetting to post something on the website I work for. I irritate my husband daily by never finishing cleaning one room. It was bad enough when my older kids started picking up on my little oddities but now the younger two are starting to see it. My 6 year old son gets in my face when I don’t answer him because I’m so tuned into a show on TV, a good book or something on the internet. I can’t stand editing anything I write because I see the evidence of my ADD so clearly it’s as if there is a little guy with a megaphone shouting, “SHE HAS ADD!”

Busy Mom

Just yesterday a friend of mine was in a store talking to the owner. The owner mentioned that I was supposed to to bring in my carpet cleaner for her to borrow but hadn’t done it yet. In my defense, I think, my friend told her I have ADD and forget to do things a lot.  I can’t be upset because it’s true.  But, I hate it.  I hate that I start to clean the kitchen, go in the playroom to put something away then start cleaning in there.  Then I take something into my room then start cleaning my room.  I never get anything done.  I hate that I tell someone I’m going to do something or send them information but forget by the time I get home.  What’s even worse is when a friend will come over to help, gets things done quickly then says how easy it was.  It’s not easy at all when your brain wanders so much that you can’t complete simple tasks.  I feel like a bad wife, bad friend and especially a bad mom.

I hate having ADD.  I hate not feeling normal.  I hate using ADD as an excuse.  I hate that I can’t fix it.  I take Adderall but usually don’t remember to take it.  And what’s really bad is that I have an alarm on my phone to remind me!  It goes off and I press snooze because I’m in the middle of something.  I’ll hit snooze 4-5 times then eventually turn it off, usually never getting up to take it. When I do remember to take it on a regular basis the symptoms are definitely lessened but don’t go away completely.

It took going to two doctors and a psychologist to finally get diagnosed but I did.  I researched ADD a lot, took several quizzes and talked to the shrink several times before pushing my doctor to put me on Adderall.  If any of this describes your life, not if you do some of this every once in a while but if it affects your daily life, I strongly urge you to talk to your doctor.  Don’t let them brush you off either.  Keep bugging them until they listen to you.

Image by FunDraw

Life goes on…with Adderall

Blotchy memory, wandering thoughts, making lists of lists- this is a small glimpse into my life with Adult ADD. I’ve been off and on Adderall for three years. Sometimes we’re on a tight budget (self pay! self pay!). Sometimes I forget to call it in. Sometimes I forget to pick it up. Many times I forget to take it.

This time I’m determined to stick with it. I have two alarms on my cell phone to remind me to take Adderall twice a day. My doctor recommended 8 am and 12 pm. I take it at 9:30 am and 3:30 pm because I’m not a morning person and a night owl.

So yesterday I drove around for twenty minutes trying to find my doctor’s office. In my defense they moved five months ago and I’ve only been there three times since. Also, I left my GPS at home which stunk because it’s saved in my addresses.

After finally finding it I showed my ID, signed the photocopy, and carefully took it to the closest CVS. Adderall is an amphetamine and is sold in clubs and on college campuses across the United States. Because of this I only get one every month and only I can pick it up. The pharmacy has to write my driver’s license number on their form.

All of this is worth it because once I start taking it regularly for at least a week I notice a big difference in myself. My memory is still unreliable but not as much. I’m more focused and able to get things done.

I feel better when I take Adderall regularly. There are times that I feel like a bad wife and mom when I can’t focus, can’t remember to sign papers, can’t remember to send things in for projects, can’t remember to get my son a glass of chocolate milk.

Here’s a small example of what I mean: Last night I started my bath. I was almost finished with the book I was currently reading and I’d left my towel in the kitchen. I walked right past my books, past my towel and spotted my Adderall still in the bag. I took one then headed back to the tub. Half way there I remembered my book so I turned around and grabbed one. Half way back I remembered my towel and turned around to get it. Twenty minutes later I was relaxing in the tub glad to have Adderall in the cabinet again so these moments will be reduced.

Wow! Day 1 of Adderall.

Post Adderall