It’s 1:30 in the morning. I just found out that I didn’t get an A in Philosophy. When I signed up for the class I was nervous about passing it. I just wanted a C. But once I got going, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I got an A or B on every test and paper. I had an A all semester long. I even got an A- on the first college paper I’ve written in over 10 years. Grades just came out and I got an 89.5%. 5% away from an A. I cried.
I know it’s dumb. I could have not stressed, gotten an 80% and it still would have been a B. My daughter said, “But you know in your mind that you were 5% away from an A.” Well, yes, but on my transcripts, it just says “B.” We took the class together and she was happy with her B.
I cried. I laid there upset with myself. If I’d started studying sooner. If I hadn’t missed that one study question that was worth 5 points. If I hadn’t gone to Melanie’s office party even though we studied on the way there, only stayed 30 minutes, studied on the way home, dropped the kids off then arrived at school two hours early to study. If I’d looked up the answer to the one question I somehow didn’t make a flashcard for while other students trickled in and chit chatted. If only, coulda, shoulda, woulda.
I had a mini meltdown last week and my husband said, “We can’t change the past. I think we’ve both learned that.” I laughed because it’s usually me that says that. I’m always the one living in the moment because I feel it’s a waste of time to worry about things we can’t change.
So I dried my tears and grabbed my laptop to write down my thoughts. I made a lot of mistakes in college when I first left home at 19. I wasn’t ready to grow up like most kids that age. I went back a few times over the years, pregnant, with kids, between kids but usually had the attitude of “I don’t wanna go!” It wasn’t until my 2nd oldest graduated high school that I finally felt ready to go. She chose to stay home and go to our local community college and I thought I might as well join her. I was finally ready to grow up- as far as school goes anyway. This is my first semester and I took two classes to ease into things. I got an A in my math prep class that doesn’t even count. But I got an A! Then a stupid B in the class that DOES count. But, I passed. I’m choosing to focus on that….now.
We have the choice to worry, to fret, to be angry, to be miserable when the weather is bad, if something didn’t go our way, if someone said something we don’t like. A lot of people choose to live this way. They hold onto the past, worry about things they can do nothing about, are just plain negative. That’s a choice.*
I once had a psychologist ask me how I felt. I told her that so and so made me angry when they said such and such. She said, “They didn’t make me feel angry. I chose to be angry.” That really pissed me off. I expected her to be on my side. But as I’ve gotten older I realized she was right. And I tell this same lesson to my kids when they yell, “She/he made me mad!” We have the choice to let things go, to see the positive, to be patient, to see the light shine through the clouds.
I had a bad food/fitness weekend because Hubby was out of town so the kids and I had movie time with waffles, popcorn, ice cream and soda. When my fitness moms have a bad day I always tell them that tomorrow is a new day. I need to remember that as well. I know I was only 5% away from an A and I’m extremely proud of myself. I know I ate junk all weekend but tomorrow I’m back to eating cleaner. I refuse to waste time wallowing in misery about things I can’t change. It’s a lesson my mom taught me even though she’s a huge worry wart and has a hard time letting go. She tries hard to live in the here and now and has raised me to do the same.
You have the choice. Make it and live it.