Till I collapse


Last night I was on my 6 mile walk and still had about a mile and a half to go. I was at the furthest part from home and tempted to call Hubby to come pick me up. I wrote a text to my trainer, Tiffany, -in my head-telling her I wanted to quit. My knees were hurting. My back was killing me. I was tired.

You know you have good trainers and good fitness cheerleaders in your life when you know what they will say if you whine to them. I haven’t trained with Douglas in five years and with Tiffany for two. I know that they both would have rolled their eyes and told me to suck it up. To finish what I’d started. Wanting to quit one time, Douglas told me, “Then you don’t want it bad enough.”

I started to reach for my phone when Eminem came on iTunes. He’s my biggest motivator. Yes, I’m the clichéd suburban mom Eminem fan, I’m just not in the closet like many others.

“‘Cause sometimes you feel tired, feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and just collapse.”

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I stood in the middle of the sidewalk and just started laughing. Music is my motivation, my movement. I hit the back button to hear Eminem repeat those words and started walking again. I could see the pictures of bio dad finishing another marathon. I could hear Tiffany and Douglas yelling “One more mile!” I listened to Gina saying, “You’ve got this. You can totally do it.” Jaimi’s cheerleader voice shouted, “Come on Kathryn! Let’s go! One more!” And Kristi, she was waiting in my driveway with a cocktail telling me to Do The Pretty Girl Rock. Yeah, there’s a lot going on in my head.

I made it to the bridge where I stretch my back and I stopped to make a note to remind myself to write this post.

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I turned so my back pressed against the bar and man did it feel good. Who needs a foam roller when you have a metal bar to push on your back while cows stare at you? I stayed there for about a minute easing the pain from my muscles then moved on.

As I continued my walk I remembered watching the show American Muscle. I got to a point in the road where I could have turned right to go home or left to finish the six miles. I don’t know who the football player was or what team he played for but I remember what he did on the show. Each guy had to lift weights to a certain point and a certain number of reps. If they quit, they had to start over at the beginning. This 300+ lb guy was struggling. The guy before him couldn’t do it. The other football players around him got in his face cheering him on. “You got a baby girl!” they yelled. “You got a baby at home!” That was his motivation. That was what he needed to finish the set- and then he collapsed. But he did it.

I turned left and did the last section. Thunder was rumbling. The sky was dark an the sun had set. Street lights were on. I was beat. My back was hurting again. My stride had slowed. But I kept going. I “Tip-Toed” to “Cool Rider” and did “The Pretty Girl Rock” while “Building a Snowman” “Till I Collapsed” as I walked through the door.

I did it.

And on Wednesday evening. I’ll do it all over again. Thank you to all of my friends and family who joined me on my walk, in my head, and helped me to not give up.

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